you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
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You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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