I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
