dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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