The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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