If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
