It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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