I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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