Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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