my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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