I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
false alarm, still single
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
