you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
