when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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