my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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