Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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