If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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