Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
