Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
