I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
