Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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