Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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