You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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