I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
