you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
