i love accidental penises.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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