i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
