My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
