I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
