they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize