I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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