So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
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Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
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You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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