At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
