you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
