Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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