You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
