I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
