i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
