he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
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With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
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Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
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