Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
