he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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