I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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