How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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