I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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