the condom got lost in my hair
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
