I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
