He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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