you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
