just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
