STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
