My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
