I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
