Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
