Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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