You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
