I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
